It's a match! ... and she's a Mormon. Now what?
As someone who actively practices Mormonism as well as someone who actively wants to date and meet new people, I've noticed a pattern in the questions I'm asked through the whole online dating process. I've thought, I wish someone would just write up the technicalities of all the questions I know this guy's about to ask and just send him a link. I don't have to try and come up with new answers to these same questions, and he'll know what he's getting into. Or can ghost me if it completely freaks him out.
Unfortunately, my search for such an article turns up either articles that are written by ex-Mormons airing their problems with the doctrine and culture or the articles are on the opposite end of the spectrum and feel so much like a Sunday School lesson that they gloss over any specifics and logistics. It's hard to find just information, which I know is why people ask. So, here's my attempt to create a list that's not trying to convert you to Mormonism, it's just an attempt to address the questions I know you want to ask.
1. Will we have sex?
I hope not. I don't plan on it. However, I'm also a human being with sexual urges and desires like everyone else, so I need to know you're not going to try and take advantage of an in-the-moment situation. Sex is something I do not take lightly, and while you don't have to live your life that way, I simply need you to respect that this is how I live mine.
2. Will we have subset X, Y, or Z of sex?
Ask me. I decided specific boundaries for myself at EFY when I was 14. (You can ask me about EFY here, too. You'll get a kick out of it.) So, I thought I had a really clear definition that could cover any questions guys might have about what I will and won't do. No matter how I tweak my explanation though, guys always find a gray area that doesn't fall within my vision statement. So rather than emailing you a full manifesto of my own personal views for every possible situation, just ask. My take on the different gray areas won't be identical to anyone else's, so even though you maybe heard of a buddy who dated this Mormon girl who was willing to do X but got mad when he tried to do Y, that doesn't mean I have the same views. You will get bonus points because I will feel more understood and safe if you just ask me where my boundary is and then respect it. (The Mormons who want to wait to have their first kiss on their wedding day probably aren't the ones on Tinder though, if that's any sort of comfort.)
3. Are you a virgin?
The worst question of them all. And the one that will be asked. Every. Single. Time. I know you're curious, and it may be something I might even be willing to share with you later on, but to start out, can you please try and learn something else about me first? The other reason that I hate this question is because it's asked in response to learning that I practice sexual abstinence. Whatever I have or haven't done in the past shouldn't matter as much as the fact that this is how I choose to live right now. Regardless of whether I'm a virgin or not, for any variety of reasons, I hope you would respect this boundary just the same.
(As a side note, more times than not, no matter how cleverly I answer this or try to avoid answering this, things get awkward from here. If I give a yes-or-no answer, there's a good chance the response will come out in an unintentionally condescending tone, and someone will try and "reason" me out of my answer. If I say I'm not going to answer because that's private information, I sound stuck-up and stuffy. It's a no-win question.)
4. But aren't you sad you're missing out?
That's not how I see it. I see it as making a very conscious decision about something that is very important to me. You don't have to, but if you ask me why I have made this choice and try and understand where I'm coming from, you're going to have an advantage over your competition.
5. If not sex, what are we going to do?
Pretty much anything that you tell your parents and/or grandparents that you do when you go on dates. A wide world of options suddenly opens up when we get a little more out of the box than most plans made through dating sites.
6. Why are you on a dating site then?
Probably the same reason you are (more or less). I am trying to get out of my usual circle so I can meet new people and have positive interactions and experiences with people that I may have otherwise never had the chance to meet.
7. Should I actually go out with you?
Try it! You liked your impression of me enough to swipe right, so why not? If nothing else, it'll be a fun experiment. You don't have to be Mormon. You don't have to be abstinent. As long as you can respect me and my boundaries, I'm up for the adventure.
